Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Randomize