If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize