Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
