I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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