walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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