When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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