You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
