I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
