the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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