how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
