Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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