my phone needs a breathalizer
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
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