She said her name was "party"
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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