The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
