the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
