Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
