lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize