currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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