i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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