One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
