This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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