Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
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