Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
