Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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