Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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