Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
