You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
