I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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