I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
