Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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