I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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