he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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