trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
