Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
