I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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