oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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