she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
