don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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