1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
