It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
