I'm lost and stupid without you.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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