How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
