So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
