now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
