My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
sex in a hospital.. check
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
