I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
