she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize