Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize