you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
it's like iHOP with fire
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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