Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
