Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
