when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Also, beer. Big fan.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
