No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
