Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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