Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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